First the instinct to cushion himself when he's suddenly dropped - which is the exact reason he doesn't faceplant, mind you. He would have just by the force Gorgug was using, so uncoordinated and raw, but Fabian's body twists in the air by instinct, through experience of having fallen far too many times in his life. He knows how to land on his side in the best way to keep him from injuring himself.
But Gorgug just keeps going, turning Fabian, pushing him down, and Fabian's body threatens to go for instinct again. The instinct to fight back, to push back, the instinct that his father and mother have drilled into his body. A Seacaster resists, a Seacaster fights. You defend yourself, with tooth and claw if needed.
It's one thing to give into that instinct though with an opponent you don't know, or with a monster. It's another thing to do it with Gorgug, which makes the free arm he was raising to throw a punch - as evidenced by the fact that his hand is balled up into a tight fist - stop mid-air. The fist is still there, but it's hanging in the air, no longer heading towards its intended target of Gorgug's head.
It's Gorgug, after all. It's Gorgug, and yet it's not. It's his voice telling him that he'd fuck Fabian if Fabian wanted him to, but the intent can't be him. It's Gorgug's face staring down at him, but it's not his eyes. ]
I don't want to hurt you.
[ Fabian wants it to sound tough.
But it doesn't. Somewhere between the fluster and confusion that ignited within him at Gorgug's confession and the breathlessness of being manhandled over here, it doesn't. It falters, emotion leaking through in it.
(After all, he doesn't want to hurt Gorgug, no. But what about all that other stuff? What about Gorgug's suggestions? Why isn't he replying to those, when his denial from a moment ago doesn't feel like enough by itself?) ]
I'm so tired of this. [ Of this place, and of everything it has done to him over the months. Of all his encounters with Gorgug, always doomed to end this way, despite the good intentions Fabian enters them with. Of not being able to do a single thing to help his friend.
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First the instinct to cushion himself when he's suddenly dropped - which is the exact reason he doesn't faceplant, mind you. He would have just by the force Gorgug was using, so uncoordinated and raw, but Fabian's body twists in the air by instinct, through experience of having fallen far too many times in his life. He knows how to land on his side in the best way to keep him from injuring himself.
But Gorgug just keeps going, turning Fabian, pushing him down, and Fabian's body threatens to go for instinct again. The instinct to fight back, to push back, the instinct that his father and mother have drilled into his body. A Seacaster resists, a Seacaster fights. You defend yourself, with tooth and claw if needed.
It's one thing to give into that instinct though with an opponent you don't know, or with a monster. It's another thing to do it with Gorgug, which makes the free arm he was raising to throw a punch - as evidenced by the fact that his hand is balled up into a tight fist - stop mid-air. The fist is still there, but it's hanging in the air, no longer heading towards its intended target of Gorgug's head.
It's Gorgug, after all. It's Gorgug, and yet it's not. It's his voice telling him that he'd fuck Fabian if Fabian wanted him to, but the intent can't be him. It's Gorgug's face staring down at him, but it's not his eyes. ]
I don't want to hurt you.
[ Fabian wants it to sound tough.
But it doesn't. Somewhere between the fluster and confusion that ignited within him at Gorgug's confession and the breathlessness of being manhandled over here, it doesn't. It falters, emotion leaking through in it.
(After all, he doesn't want to hurt Gorgug, no. But what about all that other stuff? What about Gorgug's suggestions? Why isn't he replying to those, when his denial from a moment ago doesn't feel like enough by itself?) ]
I'm so tired of this. [ Of this place, and of everything it has done to him over the months. Of all his encounters with Gorgug, always doomed to end this way, despite the good intentions Fabian enters them with. Of not being able to do a single thing to help his friend.
Of feeling so confused. ]