maximumlegend | etraya ic inbox.

[ Fabian - after thoroughly grumbling about it to himself - was actually relatively quick with sending the message to Riz that Gorgug bullied him into writing up.

But when nothing arrives in return - not from Gorgug, anyway - he kind of gives up on the idea that anything might. It's not really like Gorgug to trick someone, but.. maybe he did? Maybe Fabian is just the idiot falling for this kind of stuff. It does make him a little more disgruntled, but he keeps it to himself, especially since that's where the anger and annoyance turns anyway-- to himself.

Until he gets a message anyway. Probably by the time he's already half-forgotten about the whole deal. It almost makes him think Gorgug is telling him to check the group chat for something important, but he isn't talking about the earpieces, he's talking about his... crystal? Fabian is pretty sure he hasn't looked on that thing much at all since arriving here, other than to look at the rare few pictures he has saved on there of his parents and Cathilda.

So seeing that message instead is a surprise. Even more so when he realizes he's a little bit younger in that photo, and then in turn realizes what that means as to where he is back there. Or when it was - so close to his initial breakdown, and his attempt at reinventing himself after it, scrambling back up to his feet to dance.

He hadn't really thought about how Gorgug and Riz were watching him back then.

He had considered the fact that either of them might have recorded it in any sort of way even less. He didn't really think anyone was paying attention to it at all - he had mostly just been dancing for himself.

It makes all of this.. a lot. Fabian isn't even sure whether or not Gorgug intended it that way. He knows the other guy can be surprisingly thoughtful, but sometimes Gorgug also has less thoughts going on than anyone might suspect. It means this could lean either way, and Fabian bites his lip as he looks at the photo and the message, feeling his eyes growing a little watery.

He's unsure of what to write back, even.

It takes a few moments before a reply arrives. ]

i didn't know you took a picture

you looked happy

[ It was more than about looking happy.

Expression-wise, anyway. But how does one describe that? What it looked like, to see Fabian enjoy himself in the most self-focused, calming way? His friend who had broken down to a level none of them had seen him at, and that they failed to bring him out of, too young (or too dumb; Gorgug still feels too dumb) to know how to help a friend. Maybe an orange did help? But Gorgug knows that it took more than the orange.

It took Fabian finding something for himself, outside of his friends figuring the magical means to make him feel better. But Gorgug wouldn't take it back, he knows: trying to be there, fixing the Hangman. Reading on friendships, giving an orange.

He'd like to try and make it a little easier for a friend, anytime. ]

i wanted you to remember it

[ There's a version without the you in there. Both are true. ]

if you needed to

[ Remember it. It's not like he's forgotten, given what a big change it had been in his life - given how wild of a spring break it had been for all of them, really. But it is true that it feels kind of weird to be looking back on it like this. It feels so long ago, like he's staring at something from another life. He isn't sure if he's still the Fabian in that picture.

Not even necessarily in a bad way. More just in the way these things always happen, right? Everyone constantly changes. He likes to think he's a lot more confident about the dancing by now, especially when he can recognize his own early clumsy posture while dancing in the photo.

But he does look happy.

His fingers itch with all the things he could write, but doesn't. Instead-- ]

you must have felt like that too though right
i mean
with the whole artificer stuff now
it feels different when you start multiclassing
at least that's what it was like for me

[ Did it? How did it feel? Where did it even begin, when it didn't feel like a fluke, or that the draw, the urge in his limbs to work didn't come with that level of doubt that he'd be able to accomplish something, that it would mean something? There was fixing the Hangman, and he would never discredit that, but he would almost put it in its own category, more for Fabian than himself; and he worked to get his crystal connected to his parent's satellite, but it's not as if that wasn't without help and instructions.

But there was, obviously, a point where he stopped believing it a fluke. Where the constant niggling that it wasn't some sort of dumb luck on his part, and that he let himself accept that he wanted this. That it could slot into his life in a major way.

When was it? Damn, he's really bad at this. He needs to answer the question, and not be silent trying to figure out something so basic. ]

i liked it when i got to fix the hangman and fixed my crystal to talk to zelda

[ He pauses. Did it feel special? Did it feel like Fabian out there dancing, finding a new part of himself? ]

yeah
i guess so

[ Another pause. ]

i fumbled around more

[ Come on, he has to say that. He really wasn't as graceful as he remembers Fabian being in his mind..... ]

[ Perception is a funny thing like this, isn't it. Because Fabian thinking back on Gorgug's journey to becoming an artificer-- well, sure, maybe it wasn't incredibly poignant or anything, not something you'd read about in some sort of book, but Fabian thinks that actually makes it seem so natural. Like Gorgug slowly discovered something about himself that made him feel better, even if it also frustrated him along the line. Like Gorgug slowly working away at himself the way he works at machines, improving bit by bit with a tenacity that he wears well, from Fabian's point of view.

His own journey doesn't feel like that. It feels like he crashed and burned, and that he was pathetic for a good while back there, even as he tried to pick himself back up. He remembers walking into his first bard class and-- enjoying it, sure, but also the trepidation he felt of wondering whether or not he just made another dumb choice in his life as he walked in. That maybe he wouldn't belong yet again, wouldn't meet the bar yet again. Reinventing himself, only to end up back where he started.

It makes the idea that Gorgug fumbled around more kind of laughable, when Fabian constantly feels like he did a worse equivalent of slipping over a banana peel in public, except a few times in a row.

They're things he doesn't mention though. It's better to focus it less on himself, and more on-- ]

how did you even fumble?
come on
you have been great
besides you really seem to enjoy having found something that doesn't just involve rage

i do
but i didnt know i would like it so much
i didnt feel the same i that i do now when i watched my parent make things

[ It's not that he never considered it (when he was younger, standing on one side of a wall; him, the not smart or remarkable son, and his parent's artificer workbenches, of countless possibilities, of endless imagination). It's only that, the few times he did ever think about touching things-- ]

i broke a lot more back home than i ever did round you guys

[ It's different, being the person to make and not break, and he can remember the version of himself that couldn't have considered being smart, or understanding how to work with tools and gears to the level he does now.

But also!! ]

anyway, you were always good on your feet

come on
why is this suddenly about me again now?
i mean yes i do know i am VERY interesting to talk about

but that is besides the point
maybe i want to talk about you right now gorgug!!!

[ Nevermind the fact that this was originally just because Fabian demanded compliments. But that's the exact problem with compliments, isn't it? He will whine for them all day, desperately longs for them, but then when he's hit in the face with a compliment that's just a little bit too genuine it leaves him unsure of what to even do with it. It always ends up feeling unearned.

So this is easier. Turning it back around on Gorgug. Besides - Fabian is genuinely interested, especially when Gorgug is the type of person who seems to keep so much on the inside until someone makes him vocalize it. ]

we've all been busy back home

[ .. or. Well. Fabian was busy, but not so busy that he didn't have periods of time where he just intensely missed his friends. When his house felt too big for one boy. But sure-- Sure, it's we. Clearly Fabian was also too busy to ever stop and miss his friends. Totally. ]

i haven't gotten to hear you talk about this a whole lot

[ We are making this about me??

There's nothing, however, intentional in who Gorgug speaks about, or why. There's a thought briefly about Fabian's own connection to dancing and his family, and if Fabian did ever dance previously in his younger life, had a similar brush with a family passion that would only turn into more in his later life.

But he won't ask. Fabian's very well asking Gorgug about himself, and he doesn't mind, although... ]

what do you want to know?

[ What does Fabian want to know about, exactly?? ]

i don't know
anything???
not that i'm not interested
it's just that i have never done anything even remotely close to artificer work to really know what to ask

sometimes when i see your work i do wonder what it is like to make something

[ Not that Fabian would be interested in that on a personal level. He's pretty alright with where he is at this point, personal insecurities aside - but he would have those no matter what he'd be doing, probably.

But on a less personal level? He can't help but be curious. What would it be like to create something like that with your own hands? ]

or how it makes you feel
for that matter

[ There's a second, and Gorgug only needs that second to answer honestly: ]

good
it makes me feel good

[ Fabian probably already knows that, right? That alone isn't what he's searching for, Gorgug's eyes searching back up at the point before that, what is it like, and that feeling: it's an emotion, an experience. It comes before words needed to describe them, although it's not the sensation he always gets when it comes to his work.

But other people go through that too, Gorgug has to think. Like Fabian having a bad day at the Owlbears. Universal experiences.

What is it like? -- what is it like? Ellipses appear as Gorgug types. Disappear. Re-appear. ]

sometimes it feels like a puzzle in another language that doesn't think i can solve it, and i want to. i know i can do it by now if i keep working at it
but making things...

[ ...
...
... ]

i feel like i can be more if i keep trying
i could make my life or the lives of people around me better and give something valuable
and everything i make helps me get better about it

[ It feels like
I bring something real into the world. ]

i think that's how it feels

okay but
not to put down your artificer stuff because i do think that is pretty amazing

[ Which is the entire point of this talk, so Fabian doesn't want to defeat said point!

But on the other hand, there's something he can't help but notice. Something he has to point out, because it's how Fabian operates when it comes to his friends. ]

but you are well aware that you did that even before you became an artificer at all, right?
you were already making all our lives better and giving us something valuable
just by being yourself

[ Maybe it's just-- that he doesn't want Gorgug to forget that either.

That there is an inherent value to him too, aside from class or anything else. Even just as a guy who'd hand another guy an orange out of sheer thoughtfulness, out of a desire to do something. ]

thank you

[ He doesn't immediately send that, but he think he should: to acknowledge Fabian's words, even if...he does know that. Gorgug believes in it, because that's a part of believing in your friends: you believe they see worth in you, and it's nice to have that. Gorgug's come to treasure it massively, even if there was a time when he was unsure, felt more that he was going along in life and just hoping it wouldn't come to an end--his adventures with his friends. His own life.

It's messy and complicated, the places your mind goes after death, and that's neither here nor there. Nor is this about his self-worth to his friends exactly, and he wonders how to phrase it... ]

you said it feels different when you start multiclassing right?
i think you always had an idea of what you wanted to be but then your confidence got shook
but did you...

[ He pauses, realises that it's kind of awkward to try and make a connection this way, when he and Fabian were rather different from the start. ]

it felt better this way right?
like
i mean, for me
well
i was always good at breaking things
thats why i became a barbarian

thats what i mean about artificing feeling like more

it's better but different for me i guess
i mean i do not mind being a fighter
i was always going to be one

[ No other way when your mother is one of the best swordspeople around, after all. And your father is also used to swashbuckling. It means you practically get a sword shoved into your arms as soon as you're old enough to do as much as hold onto it.

It feels natural, even now. ]

instead for me it's maybe more just that adding being a bard onto it meant having something that was all mine
and only mine

[ Which feels like.. kind of a vulnerable thing to admit to, but it's fine. He's hiding behind text, Gorgug doesn't have to hear his tone, so it's all totally fine!! He can just turn this back to Gorgug instead if need be, it's fine!! ]

artificing is special to me too

[ It's okay, bro, Gorgug isn't reading too deeply into that. But he does find that thought nice, only mine, even while he thinks about how others can still appreciate it when they glimpse it. Gorgug appreciates it when he sees it, the skill and flexibility that Fabian portrays in his moves on and off the battlefield.

He notices, even if it's not meant for him. ]

did it feel like it gave you direction?
it really felt like that for me

[ There's a slight pause before the next message arrives. Something like hesitation. ]

i mean
you were there
it was a whole thing

[ Not that he means Gorgug should have known better before asking - it's just that it feels easier to answer the question this way, rather than go into everything he felt back in that moment.

Sometimes he doesn't really like thinking back on it too hard. Even if the discovery had been nice, the part that came before it just really doesn't feel all that great, even a year later. ]

i needed anything at all that could give me direction back then
i guess

[ "I guess", like it wasn't a huge deal, but.. look, he doesn't want to examine his own emotions!! What if he gets a little too upset!! Nuh-uh!! ]

[ Oh no, we didn't clarify so well for a Bro. We made things awkward for the Bro. ]

sorry
i didnt mean just back then but

[ It's not panic, rushed typing-and-sending, but he does pause then to consider where he's going with this. Maybe he doesn't need to go anywhere with it, he's said already what wanted, but there was this want to make some kind of connection. Because making a connection with how he's feeling, or felt about things...

He's never really had that often, he realises. But he might be starting to go in a circle, so... ]

i think i see more what i want to be these days
dancing and tinkering are pretty different but
i guess i didnt know if your lessons made you feel that way too ?
?

but we know it's been a big deal for both of us so it's not that important
if dancing is just for you and something for battle, its still really cool

oh no
that is what i meant by it being just for me

[ It only strikes him now that Gorgug doesn't know, probably doesn't get it. Or-- maybe he gets it, but can't see it as easily as Fabian can. It's what happens when something is so prominent inside of your own mind, but you just never properly express it to other people.

It means you can mention it as something natural at some point, and the other person might not catch on. Even if that person is your friend.

(Because you suck at talking to your friends about some specific things.) ]

ever since i was young i always tried to be just like papa
and only like papa
everything i did was to be more like him

that is why dance is important to me
it's the first thing i did that was just for me
and not for papa

it's what makes me fabian

[ Instead of just Bill Seacaster 2.0 - which was a standard he was never going to be able to live up to in the first place, even long before the Leviathan disaster. ]

so i guess it's similar to you in that sense
if artificing makes you feel like you know more what you want to be

[ It might've not been a clarification that was needed, really, but it's still nice--this conversation, seeing into Fabian's head, his feelings, even if he's not one to shy away from sharing those regularly. How he sees himself, now and then...

He likes what makes Fabian, Fabian, Gorgug thinks--but he'll keep that in his beautiful mind palace. ]

yeah

[ Just yeah for a bit, before: ]

what do you want to do after school?
have you been looking at colleges?

[ And not, 'has Riz been making you look at colleges'? ]

i haven't really thought about it

[ It's the honest answer. Yes, maybe Riz has shoved some brochures at him, but Fabian definitely threw those away without even really looking at them.. Sorry, Riz, bud.. You're trying so hard, you deserve better than these kids..

But more so than thinking about Riz's brochures, he's thinking about Gorgug asking him this question. ]

why?
have you?

yeah
if i get good enough grades i want to go to an artificer college

but if i can get my artificing and barbarian lessons to work too? i would want to share that with people

but i really dont want the coursework to crush me the same it has been at school

[ That's the thing for Gorgug, and how much artificing has changed his life: he has been thinking about college, even though there's a hurdle of not exactly being in any position to seriously consider them... has he been thinking about it? Looking at places in the moments of time he really doesn't have to waste with wishful thinking? Yes.

There's something like a path for Gorgug to follow, or go down, for once. ]

[ .. oh.

An artificer college, huh.

Fabian didn't really consider the future beyond high school, but.. there is something about thinking about this now that makes it feel a little bit lonely. Maybe he just assumed that all of them would go on to have adventures by default. That they'd just naturally stick together, in that way they had grown to be friends beyond just being forced into an adventuring party together by being the only ones to not join a different party yet.

But an artificer college isn't a place any of them would be at other than Gorgug.

...

Why does it hurt a little bit? ]

oh
that is cool

[ Joke's on you if you thought Fabian was going to express even a single bit of that emotion. Nope. Burying it down. Only being supportive of his pal here!! ]

i am sure it can't be as bad as it has been this year
i mean it's mostly been that bad because of the situation with porter right
they're probably more calm than that at a place full of artificers

[ Yeah, a place full of nerds. ]

especially since you're getting good at artificing anyway
you'd do well there

[ Surely they all want to go into further education for their specific interests, right?? ]

its mainly doing work for 3 grades in 1. but porter didn't help with adding to the stress
but yeah
i hope i can do well
i really want to see what i can make
i want to see if i can get more books while i'm stuck here
maybe i can make us something cool

you can make requests

[ Unfortunately, what would Gorgug's insight do even if he rolled well while texting to a friend over their crystals? (Crystals they don't even need to be using here, and yet....).

Perhaps he could stop to consider that none of them have spoken about their futures, and what they imagine for them. What they want for them, and that he's speaking to another of his adventuring group.

But if Fabian had a problem with it, wouldn't he say? And Fabian has dancing--he must have some desire to keep getting better in his chosen roles. They all must have ideas. ]

[ A problem? Please, there's no problem here. There doesn't have to be a problem as long as Fabian all buries it deep down within him and doesn't think about it until it all catches up with him when he's lying in bed and he just lies there awake staring at the ceiling for hours--

Anyway. It's fine.

It's cool.

Nothing to see here, Gorgug. ]

you mean requests so you can practice??

[ See? Way safer topic. Nailed it. ]

i don't know
what sort of things were you making in artificer class
i don't think i need a homunculus

[ Especially nothing like Cloaca. That's kind of a nightmare. Sorry, Gorgug. ]

[ What's unseen: the hundred yard stare as Gorgug reflects on not only everything made for artificer classes, but everything studied for artificer classes. ]

i can go through my notes and see what i find

[ h-how-- how about that.

Granted, he'll have to do more than go through his notes, but... he can probably remember with some time to actually think about it (and not take mental damage). ]

sure

[ For once Fabian is the one with no thoughts.. Just vibes.. Sure, there's the thoughts about Gorgug's future plans, but those have nothing to do with this. He can just shove those aside until he's ready for it.

In the meantime he has no idea just how much he's making Gorgug think by saying all of this. Sorry, bro. All those overwhelming thoughts about everything you studied, and then a bro sends you a very casual 'sure'... ]

tell me about it

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