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[ Do you want to is a question Fabian himself already can't process. Not even to himself. Let alone out loud to a Gorgug who clearly isn't in control of himself.

And that means it's not a question. It just can't be a question right now. Not when Fabian came here to help Gorgug, and instead it turned into him not even knowing how to help himself. ]

No.

[ There's no other answer right now. Fabian can feel his voice shaking a little bit as he says that no, still too overwhelmed by his racing heart and his blood moving to all the wrong places right now, but he strengthens himself, tries to steady his voice more as he adds: ]

I don't. And you don't.

[ He tries to move away from Gorgug, but he finds that exact problem. The other clinging to him too tightly, and while Fabian is a strong guy, he's not strong on Gorgug's level. He can't just pull himself out of that hold when Gorgug seems determined to hold on, and he doesn't want to use Fandrangor or cast a spell and turn this into yet another brawl, leaving Fabian once more with nothing but bruises and cuts, wounds to lick on his own after getting away from Gorgug with yet another failure under his belt.

Fabian's hands move to Gorgug's shoulders, trying to physically press the other away from him, trying to get him to let go so he can at least gain some distance, so he can at least think. ]

[ Fabian may move one hand, but the one held, it can lift, but it won't reach Gorgug's shoulder--he won't let it, holding it on tighter with the movement that Fabian tries to take in withdrawing from him, and Gorgug won't. He doesn't want him to leave; he shouldn't leave, because he wants to. There's a darkness in his chest that wants this to turn ugly, to break Fabian--isn't that what he wants? Isn't that what he wanted with Riz, before it went all wrong?

There's no longer that muted barrier containing it so well, from letting his emotions dip to wherever they'll be led.

He acts without thinking, because he rarely has to, these days: he grips into the material of Fabian's pants as he yanks the other boy by his arm, dragging him to topple down on the ground in front of him without complete consideration of if he'll accidentally make him face plant. Gorgug's aiming for him landing on his side, but it's not every day he does this.

But it doesn't matter, really. Even if Fabian does land sideways, Gorgug needs to be quick to pin him, and doing so by a hand slamming down on the back of his shoulder. Just long enough to give him time to rearrange his own limbs, pushing a knee in to get between Fabian's legs before he tugs Fabian onto his back. He doesn't want to get kneed in the junk, see--he's learned other lessons from the spar than just what he likes.

It's like this that he stares down at Fabian, at his face. He's pushed a forearm against his chest, and his eyes still have the quality where they don't seem entirely focused, or too intense--too unlike Gorgug. His lips are parted, and he's breathing a little heavier.

There's something about him that's hesitating--something that he's not doing, when he could be doing something. Could be saying something.

Fabian has a chance to speak first. ]

[ Fabian's body works on instinct here.

First the instinct to cushion himself when he's suddenly dropped - which is the exact reason he doesn't faceplant, mind you. He would have just by the force Gorgug was using, so uncoordinated and raw, but Fabian's body twists in the air by instinct, through experience of having fallen far too many times in his life. He knows how to land on his side in the best way to keep him from injuring himself.

But Gorgug just keeps going, turning Fabian, pushing him down, and Fabian's body threatens to go for instinct again. The instinct to fight back, to push back, the instinct that his father and mother have drilled into his body. A Seacaster resists, a Seacaster fights. You defend yourself, with tooth and claw if needed.

It's one thing to give into that instinct though with an opponent you don't know, or with a monster. It's another thing to do it with Gorgug, which makes the free arm he was raising to throw a punch - as evidenced by the fact that his hand is balled up into a tight fist - stop mid-air. The fist is still there, but it's hanging in the air, no longer heading towards its intended target of Gorgug's head.

It's Gorgug, after all. It's Gorgug, and yet it's not. It's his voice telling him that he'd fuck Fabian if Fabian wanted him to, but the intent can't be him. It's Gorgug's face staring down at him, but it's not his eyes. ]

I don't want to hurt you.

[ Fabian wants it to sound tough.

But it doesn't. Somewhere between the fluster and confusion that ignited within him at Gorgug's confession and the breathlessness of being manhandled over here, it doesn't. It falters, emotion leaking through in it.

(After all, he doesn't want to hurt Gorgug, no. But what about all that other stuff? What about Gorgug's suggestions? Why isn't he replying to those, when his denial from a moment ago doesn't feel like enough by itself?) ]

I'm so tired of this. [ Of this place, and of everything it has done to him over the months. Of all his encounters with Gorgug, always doomed to end this way, despite the good intentions Fabian enters them with. Of not being able to do a single thing to help his friend.

Of feeling so confused. ]

[ He looks at the fist; where it sits mid-swing, stopped where it is. Gorgug's eyes scan sideways, body not moving, not reacting to its presence. But his eyes close, he takes in a quiet breath through his nostrils, and there's an acceptance over him that he can experience. There's no fear over what he's doing (what he could be doing); and it's not to say that there isn't fear there, but it's turned towards sadness. Exhaustion. Crippling, crumbling towards defeat. Where you want to lay down and let someone take over, because you feel there's no better answer in yourself.

Isn't that exactly what Gorgug's doing?

And can't Fabian be his someone else?

He doesn't have to fight, something whispers in him. There, pushing against his brain, a freedom anyone should offer a friend they care about. Tantalising, and yet Gorgug gets it, Gorgug understands that deep sadness resonating from Fabian and into him. The confusion, the weariness; the desire to stop fighting, even when they can't. He squeezes his eyes to stay shut, and it isn't the first time they've been like this--close, with Gorgug above him, trying to chase away the demons. ]

I can't fight it, [ he whispers, voice hushed and quick. ] It makes me mad if I do. I can't do anything.

[ A beat. ] I don't have anything else.

[ He can't fight it. The loneliness in him, and the parts of Fabian that he can make feel better--can't he? It washes in, pressing against his being, and Gorgug lowers his head and brings his mouth to Fabian's neck. He moves the hand that was holding up his weight to around the side of Fabian's head, to help his angle as he sinks his lips there against his skin; trailing his mouth up, and letting his tongue skim along the artery that leads up to his ear.

It's wanting, it's desperate; it's a trembling journey. His mouth parts, and he doesn't know how much control he has over himself anymore, if he ever did, as he brings himself over to Fabian's lips with his, and he kisses him--he forces a kiss, pushing his tongue against teeth, biting on Fabian's lip hard if he has to. All to get entry into his mouth, so the darkness waiting in there can move forward.

So Gorgug can have his punishment for wanting Fabian with him in the first place--for letting the real pieces of him sneak out, to try and find someone to help him to begin with.

No one will want him now. ]

[ He should get away. Fabian realizes it as he's lying there under Gorgug, as he hears the other speak in such a rushed way, like Gorgug is almost fighting something just to be able to get the words out to him.

But it's so hard to muster up the energy for it. He feels.. drained. Empty. Maybe it's just the effect of already having tried to bear the circumstances in this place for so long now, or maybe it's just this close proximity to Gorgug right now, the thing within him radiating out to Fabian, mixing in with his own emotions as well. Fabian knows he has to fight, and there's a part of him - whether nature or nurture - that tells him he has to, no matter what happens. But it's drowned out by the helplessness of it all, by the fact that this keeps happening, and yet he can't even help his friend. What if he did get away from Gorgug's hold somehow? What then? He'd run away, find Gorgug again some other time, do this all over again?

Gorgug says I don't have anything else.

Fabian thinks what's the point?

And then Gorgug is suddenly on him. Lips against his skin, reminiscent of something that happened not even that long ago - also an awkward experience, also Gorgug not being in control of himself, yet different from this. And more importantly-- Fabian's body remembers. There's something that feels good about the way the other sucks along his skin, even as Gorgug's lips move against his own. The feeling Fabian is being taken over by from Gorgug being this close to him with his own overwhelming emotions makes him not even think about the awkwardness of being kissed by one of his friends. He can only remember how nice he felt last time, and wouldn't it be nice to feel that way again for a few moments? Hasn't he struggled for so long, doesn't he deserve just a moment of this, of Gorgug kissing him, of warmth and affection and having someone he cares for close to him, and of--

Of--

There's something.

There is something entering him, and it manages to set off the alarm bell in Fabian's head that had been dulled by the heavy feeling coming over him. It feels so unnatural and terrible that Fabian, lulled into inaction, finally remembers to fight back. He doesn't care that he can feel Gorgug biting his lip, doesn't care that he can feel blood in his mouth from it-- Even if he's not sure he can stop any of this when Gorgug is the one with the overwhelming strength in this situation, Fabian refuses to be the one Seacaster that doesn't go down fighting. A lot of his limbs are trapped within Gorgug's hold, but he tries to move anything else he can - trying to move his legs enough so his knees can jam against something, trying to swing his fists, trying to shove his head against Gorgug's own if he has to.

It's likely already futile, but he does it anyway. ]

[ There's a haze over Gorgug, and even with every terrible thing that he's already done, what he's doing now twists at the pit of his stomach something awful. The parts of him that enjoys it, the part of him that knows that it's wrong: he indulged in the contradiction during each test that he found himself drawn to. Telling Krouse that he deserved to rot in a jail of his own guilt, shouting and screaming at Rosie that she was nothing but a fraud who earned what happened to her. And now he's here, pressing his body against Fabian's, his tongue reaching in for his, the taste of intimacy making him want to search deeper and deeper for more.

And he's infecting him. He's making him as bad as him.

What's the point? Fighting it, being anything else than some figure of himself he never knew, but was always detested for belonging in the shadow of: his heritage as part orc, chastised for years by peers for not standing up for himself, chasing away relatives for daring to be born. He hates it: these ghosts he never asked for now haunting him here, being told to seek his anger and now, he can't control it. Every little thing going wrong, and it would be better just to give in. To be nothing.

To wait for someone to take him out.

And then Fabian thrashes.

His body writhes under his, he hits against him, twists, pushes forward their faces, and there's an instance where Gorgug pushes back. He grabs into Fabian's hair to control him and pushes his own face down, refuses to give him room to move; his lips seeking to bruise at Fabian's, a growl sounding from his throat. A leg up against Fabian's crotch, intention there that may still be too rough, that may be difficult to know if he means to threaten, or to take this somewhere else: the same place he's been offering for this encounter to go for a while. He breaks apart their kiss to lick his tongue flat across the soft texture of Fabian's lips, his breath starting to heave, a growing excitement building in his already trembling limbs.

Fingers dig harder into Fabian's scalp, and there's another sound from deep inside Gorgug's throat as his eyes again are screwed up tight. He grits his teeth, and then slides the hand holding the top of Fabian's head onto the floor, slipping it inch by inch from him, trying to crawl away.

As he tries to do the same with the arm across Fabian's chest to pinning him, his weight loosening above him. Saliva wets around his mouth, but there's a glint around his eyes, too, small grunts that begin to sound like small sobs trapped in his throat.

He can't. He can't give up if it means hurting Fabian; he can't give up if he's going to do something like this. He can't, he finds himself managing for this moment, in this instance. But it's hard to fight, when everything that tells him this is wrong makes it feel right, too.

And didn't he want to not be alone? Hasn't he felt alone all this time? When there's only one voice he hears anymore coming from inside him, telling him that this is the way it's going to be.

He's so despicable anyway. Who is he trying to fall by backing out now?

Why not take it as far as he possibly can--? ]

Gorgug-- [ Fabian says, and it's like he has to drag the word from his mouth. Everything feels overwhelming right now. His body aches from the way it was being shoved around and pushed down. His lips feel like they're bruised, and he has no way of knowing if that's just imagined or actually the case. His scalp hurts from his hair getting yanked around, and there's something inside of him.

The last part is doubtlessly the worst of it all. He can feel it. It's like it's moving around inside of him, and it's one of the most awful sensations he's ever felt in his life - and that's saying something, given everything he has dealt with in all the years he's been alive.

It makes the word sound raw, like Fabian is growing hoarse, like he can't fully use his own voice right now. The sensation of something being in him is coming with something else, weird emotions starting to emerge, something inside of him no longer feeling like him and what the fuck--

He breathes. Fabian desperately sucks in a breath, trying to fight the weird feeling inside of him. Especially when he notices Gorgug trying to drag himself away from him, the odd sounds coming from the other. ]

Gorgug, you have to fight it. You have to fight it!

[ His voice still sounds weird. It takes effort to drag the words out of himself. It takes effort to do just about anything right now, but Fabian is giving that effort. His one eye widens, something about his look turning a little crazed in the middle of all his determination.

Maybe in this way, Fabian is like his father.

Fabian reaches out as Gorgug is trying to move away, his hands latching onto the fabric of Gorgug's shirt, dragging the other back closer towards him - like he's trying to force Gorgug to look at his face right now. ]

I'm fighting it, so you have to fight it too! [ He's practically spitting out the words now. ] You think I'm going to let it take you away from me?!

[ All he needs to do is to get away from Fabian--that's what Gorgug thinks. If he moves away, he can contain himself, and then Fabian can escape and get as far away from him as he can, as he should. Even if there's some small part of him that desperately clings to their friendship; even as his brain tells him that it's being broken apart right now, will be, if he just gives in and does what he wants. And it is what he wants, isn't it?

--He's being pulled back. Not by the source he expects it to be, the tug from his shirt confusing. Is it stuck? But he can't figure how, and Gorgug opens his eyes to look, finding Fabian glaring right back at him with his one good eye, the fist balled with his clothing.

Tears blur his eyesight, but he can still see the way Fabian looks at him, hears it in the fire in his voice. Gorgug's limbs tremble, everything in his body feels too fragile, too ready to tip over into the deep end, and yet-

Yet something about the way Fabian is speaking lets him break in another way. ]

I'm sorry I called you, I'm sorry-- [ His voice croaks, the words slipping out from his mouth. He doesn't know how long he can control himself, how long he has. ] It wants me to rape you, [ he admits with a quieter voice. ] Please don't let me hurt you. Please. I can't stop it, it makes me mad.... I can't stop it....!

[ His eyes start closing together, not even intentionally, but from the rush of emotion now pushing up his throat with the tears, the sobs. He wants to keep telling him sorry, tries to, over the hiccups making his limbs all the more loose and hard to balance; as he fumbles with his hands on the flooring to keep steady above Fabian.

He could push away from Fabian, but he doesn't want to touch him. He wants Fabian to know to get away. It's okay, it's okay-- it's okay to run from him. ]

[ It's Gorgug, Fabian thinks.

It immediately makes any other words die in his throat before he can spit them out like the ones before. Most of the time he's been pretty convinced it was mostly the thing inside of Gorgug talking to him, twisting Gorgug's feelings into pretzels. Sometimes it was a little more ambiguous. But this-- This is the first time he thinks it's been just Gorgug. It doesn't even sound like it's something trying to manipulate him. It's just his friend, for the first time in what feels like maybe a whole month.

His heart beats quicker with adrenaline at the realisation that Gorgug is still in there, still capable of coming out, even if it's just for a moment or this desperately. And then his heart beats even quicker when he hears what Gorgug even says. It wants to--

I'd hurt you if you told me to. I'd fuck you if you said yes.

The words echo back into his mind. He thinks about Gorgug's lips crashing onto his own only a moment ago, and something inside of Fabian moves, twists, somehow makes giving in seem so tempting, and--

No, he knows this isn't the time to think about it. He knows the thing inside of him isn't him, and-- god, he has to get it out. He has to hurry and let someone get it out before he loses his mind too. He has to get away from here and over to where people are, he has to get away from Gorgug before the other does something they might both feel terrible about later.

It's hard though. It's hard because Fabian doesn't know for how much longer Gorgug can fight it to let him go. Fabian doesn't know for how long he can fight the weird feeling spreading inside of him, making all sorts of thoughts appear in his mind, and he can't even tell which are actually his anymore.

(Shit-- Is this what Gorgug has been feeling like for weeks now?) ]

I'm leaving.

[ He says it with a weird tone. Like he's trying to convince someone here. Maybe himself, maybe Gorgug, but-- Someone for sure, and he's already trying to move, seeming like he's trying to get out from under Gorgug, trying to get up.

He's not thinking, he tells himself. He can't think. There's all sorts of jumbled up stuff in his mind, and there's instinct, and there's something awful, and there's something inside of him that's driving him, and just before Fabian pulls himself back up onto his feet, he uses the fist he's still got curled up into the other's shirt to pull Gorgug even closer, pressing a quick peck onto the other's lips and a near-hissed, much too hurried: ] Spring break, spring break-- I fucking believe in you!

[ There's nothing after that. Fabian gets onto his feet so quickly that it feels like he might trip over his own feet, and a second later he's leaving.

Not down the stairs, mind you. No, he's pulling open a window and jumping out onto the Hangman, waiting stories below, driving off right away.

No, Fabian also doesn't realize what just happened. If he remembers this at all after getting his own infection cut out, he might need about two to three business days to process what happened here and start screaming into his own pillow. ]

[ When Fabian says he's leaving, Gorgug's reaction is quick, hurried nodding that refuses to let any other thought settle or find refuge in his brain. As if it's that simple, easy to avoid; but for this time that Gorgug has his wits about him, he wants to encourage Fabian. He wants to show that Fabian's choice is alright. ]

Go, [ he says, hushed words shared between them, and he's ready at any second to move or to be pushed away while he still has a say in how his own body reacts. Even as the idea of being left alone manages to slither its way into his mind, coiling over his willpower, squeezing.

He's going to leave you. Grab his arm. Ask him to stay, you're so alone.

There is a chaotic nature to Fabian Seacaster. Loud and opinionated, carrying his own insecurities, busy working to establish himself to show the world who he is (and to know who that is himself). Every one of the Bad Kids have this nature, that makes them unpredictable even to Gorgug after all these years with them, and it's one of those things about them he's come to accept. He admires it about them. Except, regularly, it often throws him off, or sends him into a frenzy that knocks him off the same rails as them.

Which is to say: the kiss, or encouragement, is that kind of chaotic choice that keeps Gorgug's mind from focusing straight. A kiss to attract him, and then a reminder that reaches out from inside Gorgug himself, and- Spring break. Spring break. They're a year younger and they're on their way to break Adaine and Aelwyn out from their prisons, bodies on fire, never feeling as connected to one another as they did then.

Gorgug doesn't reach for Fabian's arm. He doesn't turn his body over to follow Fabian's direction, to watch him go.

Instead, from behind Fabian (and even as he jumps), a rhythmless chant follows his exit. ]

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break, spring break!

[ Gorgug keeps a hold of the hope of friendship, like a flame passed on from Fabian that blazes different inside Gorgug than his own twisted rage, for as long as he's capable of doing. It dies down eventually, becomes smothered by the fear and grief that manages takes it place, but even so--

The ember persists somewhere inside him, that Fabian and Riz will do the right thing. They'll stop this. He knows they will.

Spring break. I believe in you. ]

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